Statistics tell us that 1 in 5 (or 20%) of all confirmed pregnancies will end in miscarriage in the first trimester. A thinking person can't get three days along in her pregnancy without hearing this fact. The experts advise you not to tell too many people before the 4th month. None of these facts seem to help when it happens. Recently my friend and I were arguing about traditional vs bayesian statistics. His argument was how useless probabilities are in real life situations. In this case, I have to agree. This may happen to 20% of all pregnant women--but it happened to 100% of me.
I was skeptical becoming a mother. It wasn't the right time, I was worried about money, blah blah blah. In the past few weeks, however, I'd become more excited about the prospects. I'd begun to make plans--despite my own warnings regarding not getting too confident. I think you can't help it. Here is this thing, this event that's going to so thoroughly change your life--how can you avoid planning for the future?
I can't really describe the emotions after the miscarriage. Even though you can logically think that there was nothing you could do to prevent it--you can't help but recount everything you've done in the past few weeks and how they may have caused it. You read all the statistics about it being unavoidable--and then a small paragraph will say, "some evidence that caffeine will cause miscarriages" or "excessive exercise is sometimes linked" so then you think--was it that iced tea? was it that hike I did? And you just can't know the answer. You just can't help but think it was your fault--you simply have no one else to blame. You look around and it seems that everyone has children or is pregnant--and you can't help but feel inferior. Doesn't it seem like the high school girls that get pregnant never miscarry? Are my eggs just stale?
Its really hard for me to hear sympathy from others. Those that have children are imagining losing those children--well its not the same thing. You've met your child, you've bonded. My grief is not that severe. Its unknowable because I can't really attach it to anything. I don't have a vision or any sensation to attach my grief. I just have my imagination and sometimes that's not useful.
And then there's the decisions. Do you try again? Mine wasn't planned so that was a decision made for me. Should I actually try next time? What if this happens again? What if I'm just not able to have children? Do you keep going through the pain? How many times?
I forgot to add foolish to the list of emotions. Everyone tells you it happens all the time so why are you so upset about it? You were only pregnant for 11 weeks for goodness sake. So you feel foolish because it does feel like a bigger deal. Because you still get teary-eyed when you realize that something you planned is no longer relevant.
And awkward. Telling people what happened is awkward--for them. They don't know what to say which makes them not want to be around you. This isn't true for close friends but if you were like us and live in a small town and told too many people--there are bound to be people that aren't close that you have to inform. It is very uncomfortable. All the more reason to keep it to yourself when you get pregnant.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Sunday, July 13, 2008
the sad news
An update to my last post. Sadly, I miscarried the baby yesterday at 11 weeks. So I guess if there is a next time I will be more prepared.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
The Big News
It's been a while since I've written a bona fide rant and I've got a doosy that I just can't wait to write--even though it involves making an announcement I was hoping to put off for a little while.
So for those 5 of you who read my blog--there might be one or two that don't know--I'm going to have a baby. Yes, I'm "in the family way", "with child", "knocked up". If it comes as a shock to you--now you know how I feel.
After the initial shock of the fact in itself, I was then greeted with an even bigger shock: my health insurance doesn't cover maternity. So because I work for a very small (2-person) company, I was forced to get an individual health insurance policy with Blue Cross Blue Shield. My generous boss then pays my monthly premium for me. I've had the insurance for 2 years and I've never needed it. I never bothered to pay attention to maternity benefits because I wasn't planning on having kids. Oops. Well, then I find out that now that I am pregnant, there is no insurance company in the country that will take me on with maternity benefits. And, if I had wanted to have maternity coverage with BCBS, my monthly premium would have been $1000/month vs the $250/month I currently pay. Hmm, lets see, an extra $750/month for the minimum of 12 months--that's $9000!! I've been told my non-insurance pregnancy will likely run from $6000-$12000 (the majority of that cost being the hospital bill). So getting maternity insurance may or may not save you any money in the long run. Then I looked at what my insurance WILL cover--I could have elective cosmetic surgery and have the insurance cover part of it---but I can't have a fricken baby!
What's a girl to do? So here's the real kicker. There is a company out there under multiple names: "Maternity Advantage", "Maternity Card", "AHCO" that offers to act as a negotiator on your behalf. So you pay them $750 or something and they try to get you deals with certain providers with whom they have relationships. You pay the difference in the end. So sounds ok at first. My big question was did I have to live in a big city in order to use this service? Unfortunately repeated attempts to email my questions to my "service representative" only resulted in responses that went something like this. "Thank you for contacting Maternity Advantage--check our this link for our customer testimonials" "Watch this promotional video." etc. Never did they answer my questions. My partner even spoke to someone on the phone only to have her change the subject every time he asked a specific question. Then I did a little Googling. Turns out that Maternity Advantage has a unsatisfactory rating with the Better Business Bureau and a lawsuit is pending from the Texas Attorney General charging them with fraud! http://austin.bbb.org/WWWRoot/Report.aspx?site=40&bbb=0825&firm=53505 or http://www.oag.state.tx.us/newspubs/releases/2008/041408ahco_pop.pdf.
So that's pretty awesome. Take an already shitty situation and make it even shittier by taking advantage of pregnant women. I seriously can't believe that these people are allowed to do business.
And what the f--k America! All we hear is how important pre-natal care is--but if you make more than minimum wage and can't qualify for Medicaid, but don't have employer insurance--you're basically screwed. I thought working for a locally-owned business was good for America. I thought our capitalist society was supposed to support entrepreneurs. Then to add salt to my wound, NPR's been doing stories on health care in European countries. The one this morning was about France and how great their Maternity Care is. But we don't need healthcare reform do we Senator McCain? No, free market that's what we're all about. I'm actually thinking of drafting a letter to Mr McCain. In it I will talk about how I know the Republican Party is for "family values" and against a woman's right to choose. Then I will tell him that because of their brainless, heartless policy promoting insurance companies and killing the middle class--he's right I don't have a choice. I don't have a choice because I can't actually afford to have this baby. What do you think?
So for those 5 of you who read my blog--there might be one or two that don't know--I'm going to have a baby. Yes, I'm "in the family way", "with child", "knocked up". If it comes as a shock to you--now you know how I feel.
After the initial shock of the fact in itself, I was then greeted with an even bigger shock: my health insurance doesn't cover maternity. So because I work for a very small (2-person) company, I was forced to get an individual health insurance policy with Blue Cross Blue Shield. My generous boss then pays my monthly premium for me. I've had the insurance for 2 years and I've never needed it. I never bothered to pay attention to maternity benefits because I wasn't planning on having kids. Oops. Well, then I find out that now that I am pregnant, there is no insurance company in the country that will take me on with maternity benefits. And, if I had wanted to have maternity coverage with BCBS, my monthly premium would have been $1000/month vs the $250/month I currently pay. Hmm, lets see, an extra $750/month for the minimum of 12 months--that's $9000!! I've been told my non-insurance pregnancy will likely run from $6000-$12000 (the majority of that cost being the hospital bill). So getting maternity insurance may or may not save you any money in the long run. Then I looked at what my insurance WILL cover--I could have elective cosmetic surgery and have the insurance cover part of it---but I can't have a fricken baby!
What's a girl to do? So here's the real kicker. There is a company out there under multiple names: "Maternity Advantage", "Maternity Card", "AHCO" that offers to act as a negotiator on your behalf. So you pay them $750 or something and they try to get you deals with certain providers with whom they have relationships. You pay the difference in the end. So sounds ok at first. My big question was did I have to live in a big city in order to use this service? Unfortunately repeated attempts to email my questions to my "service representative" only resulted in responses that went something like this. "Thank you for contacting Maternity Advantage--check our this link for our customer testimonials" "Watch this promotional video." etc. Never did they answer my questions. My partner even spoke to someone on the phone only to have her change the subject every time he asked a specific question. Then I did a little Googling. Turns out that Maternity Advantage has a unsatisfactory rating with the Better Business Bureau and a lawsuit is pending from the Texas Attorney General charging them with fraud! http://austin.bbb.org/WWWRoot/Report.aspx?site=40&bbb=0825&firm=53505 or http://www.oag.state.tx.us/newspubs/releases/2008/041408ahco_pop.pdf.
So that's pretty awesome. Take an already shitty situation and make it even shittier by taking advantage of pregnant women. I seriously can't believe that these people are allowed to do business.
And what the f--k America! All we hear is how important pre-natal care is--but if you make more than minimum wage and can't qualify for Medicaid, but don't have employer insurance--you're basically screwed. I thought working for a locally-owned business was good for America. I thought our capitalist society was supposed to support entrepreneurs. Then to add salt to my wound, NPR's been doing stories on health care in European countries. The one this morning was about France and how great their Maternity Care is. But we don't need healthcare reform do we Senator McCain? No, free market that's what we're all about. I'm actually thinking of drafting a letter to Mr McCain. In it I will talk about how I know the Republican Party is for "family values" and against a woman's right to choose. Then I will tell him that because of their brainless, heartless policy promoting insurance companies and killing the middle class--he's right I don't have a choice. I don't have a choice because I can't actually afford to have this baby. What do you think?
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