Statistics tell us that 1 in 5 (or 20%) of all confirmed pregnancies will end in miscarriage in the first trimester. A thinking person can't get three days along in her pregnancy without hearing this fact. The experts advise you not to tell too many people before the 4th month. None of these facts seem to help when it happens. Recently my friend and I were arguing about traditional vs bayesian statistics. His argument was how useless probabilities are in real life situations. In this case, I have to agree. This may happen to 20% of all pregnant women--but it happened to 100% of me.
I was skeptical becoming a mother. It wasn't the right time, I was worried about money, blah blah blah. In the past few weeks, however, I'd become more excited about the prospects. I'd begun to make plans--despite my own warnings regarding not getting too confident. I think you can't help it. Here is this thing, this event that's going to so thoroughly change your life--how can you avoid planning for the future?
I can't really describe the emotions after the miscarriage. Even though you can logically think that there was nothing you could do to prevent it--you can't help but recount everything you've done in the past few weeks and how they may have caused it. You read all the statistics about it being unavoidable--and then a small paragraph will say, "some evidence that caffeine will cause miscarriages" or "excessive exercise is sometimes linked" so then you think--was it that iced tea? was it that hike I did? And you just can't know the answer. You just can't help but think it was your fault--you simply have no one else to blame. You look around and it seems that everyone has children or is pregnant--and you can't help but feel inferior. Doesn't it seem like the high school girls that get pregnant never miscarry? Are my eggs just stale?
Its really hard for me to hear sympathy from others. Those that have children are imagining losing those children--well its not the same thing. You've met your child, you've bonded. My grief is not that severe. Its unknowable because I can't really attach it to anything. I don't have a vision or any sensation to attach my grief. I just have my imagination and sometimes that's not useful.
And then there's the decisions. Do you try again? Mine wasn't planned so that was a decision made for me. Should I actually try next time? What if this happens again? What if I'm just not able to have children? Do you keep going through the pain? How many times?
I forgot to add foolish to the list of emotions. Everyone tells you it happens all the time so why are you so upset about it? You were only pregnant for 11 weeks for goodness sake. So you feel foolish because it does feel like a bigger deal. Because you still get teary-eyed when you realize that something you planned is no longer relevant.
And awkward. Telling people what happened is awkward--for them. They don't know what to say which makes them not want to be around you. This isn't true for close friends but if you were like us and live in a small town and told too many people--there are bound to be people that aren't close that you have to inform. It is very uncomfortable. All the more reason to keep it to yourself when you get pregnant.
1 comment:
Dearest Ms. China,
I am so deeply saddened by and sorry for your loss. I hope it doesn't make you mad that I am telling you that. I really did "get it" when you said that it's hard for you hear people's sympathy. Maybe that's at least partially because it's very hard to express sympathy, and people aren't doing it well. Or maybe it's because you don't believe that some people are truly empathizing with you.
Some folks with children might be imagining what it would be like to lose their own child. But some of us can also imagine what it would have felt like to lose that child before meeting her or him. From the beginning, I felt an incredible excitement about having a baby, and no matter when it happened, at 4, 8, or 11 weeks, I would have been completely devastated. I hope you know that my empathy for your unfathomable loss is very real and heartfelt. I'm sure it doesn't make things easier, but I hope it's at least somewhat comforting to know that the people who care about you are very concerned about what you are going through.
We can never know what will happen, but you have a good shot at having a child if that is what you want. From what I understand, miscarriages in the first trimester are most likely the result of chromosomal abnormalities that happen by chance. At least, that's what the statistics tend to indicate. So the fact that it happened in the first trimester probably means that the problem was not with your or your partner (or any tea drinking!). Plus, the fact that you became pregnant in the first place is a good indicator that it could happen again.
Finally, I seriously hope that people are not actually saying or implying that you should not be so upset about it. That is so very offensive, rude, thoughtless, and insensitive. It makes me extremely mad that anyone would make you feel foolish. Please don't listen to them! Take care of yourself.
Much love.
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