The Chaos Around Me

I've always had bad luck. Not terrible luck, but not good or moderate either. I'm sure some of what I call luck - are just bad choices. Take for example our recent vacation to California. Everything was going along pretty well -- I was actually relaxing and then-bam! Our rental car was broken into. It wasn't a big deal-but it was very irritating. It always seems to me that just when I think my life is going along great, something really bad will happen to set me back either socially or financially.

Here's something else. Electronics behave in a weird way when I'm around. I think I first noticed this when I used to wear a watch. I had this digital watch that would quit working after a few weeks. I would change the battery and it would start working again--for a few weeks. Next, it was a headlamp. The batteries in my headlamp would need to be changed every other time it was used. Now that I work around computers I'm having even more problems. Its not all the time--its like it builds up. Every few weeks, my computer will just decide to crash repeatedly. I go through all the routines--even reinstalling Windows sometimes--and eventually everything will be fine.

I am pretty convinced that I have some kind of magnetic field influencing electrons around me. I know it sounds funny--but I'm actually very serious. I am somehow creating molecular chaos in my surroundings. What do you think of that?

Statistics

Statistics tell us that 1 in 5 (or 20%) of all confirmed pregnancies will end in miscarriage in the first trimester. A thinking person can't get three days along in her pregnancy without hearing this fact. The experts advise you not to tell too many people before the 4th month. None of these facts seem to help when it happens. Recently my friend and I were arguing about traditional vs bayesian statistics. His argument was how useless probabilities are in real life situations. In this case, I have to agree. This may happen to 20% of all pregnant women--but it happened to 100% of me.

I was skeptical becoming a mother. It wasn't the right time, I was worried about money, blah blah blah. In the past few weeks, however, I'd become more excited about the prospects. I'd begun to make plans--despite my own warnings regarding not getting too confident. I think you can't help it. Here is this thing, this event that's going to so thoroughly change your life--how can you avoid planning for the future?

I can't really describe the emotions after the miscarriage. Even though you can logically think that there was nothing you could do to prevent it--you can't help but recount everything you've done in the past few weeks and how they may have caused it. You read all the statistics about it being unavoidable--and then a small paragraph will say, "some evidence that caffeine will cause miscarriages" or "excessive exercise is sometimes linked" so then you think--was it that iced tea? was it that hike I did? And you just can't know the answer. You just can't help but think it was your fault--you simply have no one else to blame. You look around and it seems that everyone has children or is pregnant--and you can't help but feel inferior. Doesn't it seem like the high school girls that get pregnant never miscarry? Are my eggs just stale?

Its really hard for me to hear sympathy from others. Those that have children are imagining losing those children--well its not the same thing. You've met your child, you've bonded. My grief is not that severe. Its unknowable because I can't really attach it to anything. I don't have a vision or any sensation to attach my grief. I just have my imagination and sometimes that's not useful.

And then there's the decisions. Do you try again? Mine wasn't planned so that was a decision made for me. Should I actually try next time? What if this happens again? What if I'm just not able to have children? Do you keep going through the pain? How many times?

I forgot to add foolish to the list of emotions. Everyone tells you it happens all the time so why are you so upset about it? You were only pregnant for 11 weeks for goodness sake. So you feel foolish because it does feel like a bigger deal. Because you still get teary-eyed when you realize that something you planned is no longer relevant.

And awkward. Telling people what happened is awkward--for them. They don't know what to say which makes them not want to be around you. This isn't true for close friends but if you were like us and live in a small town and told too many people--there are bound to be people that aren't close that you have to inform. It is very uncomfortable. All the more reason to keep it to yourself when you get pregnant.

the sad news

An update to my last post. Sadly, I miscarried the baby yesterday at 11 weeks. So I guess if there is a next time I will be more prepared.

The Big News

It's been a while since I've written a bona fide rant and I've got a doosy that I just can't wait to write--even though it involves making an announcement I was hoping to put off for a little while.

So for those 5 of you who read my blog--there might be one or two that don't know--I'm going to have a baby. Yes, I'm "in the family way", "with child", "knocked up". If it comes as a shock to you--now you know how I feel.

After the initial shock of the fact in itself, I was then greeted with an even bigger shock: my health insurance doesn't cover maternity. So because I work for a very small (2-person) company, I was forced to get an individual health insurance policy with Blue Cross Blue Shield. My generous boss then pays my monthly premium for me. I've had the insurance for 2 years and I've never needed it. I never bothered to pay attention to maternity benefits because I wasn't planning on having kids. Oops. Well, then I find out that now that I am pregnant, there is no insurance company in the country that will take me on with maternity benefits. And, if I had wanted to have maternity coverage with BCBS, my monthly premium would have been $1000/month vs the $250/month I currently pay. Hmm, lets see, an extra $750/month for the minimum of 12 months--that's $9000!! I've been told my non-insurance pregnancy will likely run from $6000-$12000 (the majority of that cost being the hospital bill). So getting maternity insurance may or may not save you any money in the long run. Then I looked at what my insurance WILL cover--I could have elective cosmetic surgery and have the insurance cover part of it---but I can't have a fricken baby!

What's a girl to do? So here's the real kicker. There is a company out there under multiple names: "Maternity Advantage", "Maternity Card", "AHCO" that offers to act as a negotiator on your behalf. So you pay them $750 or something and they try to get you deals with certain providers with whom they have relationships. You pay the difference in the end. So sounds ok at first. My big question was did I have to live in a big city in order to use this service? Unfortunately repeated attempts to email my questions to my "service representative" only resulted in responses that went something like this. "Thank you for contacting Maternity Advantage--check our this link for our customer testimonials" "Watch this promotional video." etc. Never did they answer my questions. My partner even spoke to someone on the phone only to have her change the subject every time he asked a specific question. Then I did a little Googling. Turns out that Maternity Advantage has a unsatisfactory rating with the Better Business Bureau and a lawsuit is pending from the Texas Attorney General charging them with fraud! http://austin.bbb.org/WWWRoot/Report.aspx?site=40&bbb=0825&firm=53505 or http://www.oag.state.tx.us/newspubs/releases/2008/041408ahco_pop.pdf.

So that's pretty awesome. Take an already shitty situation and make it even shittier by taking advantage of pregnant women. I seriously can't believe that these people are allowed to do business.

And what the f--k America! All we hear is how important pre-natal care is--but if you make more than minimum wage and can't qualify for Medicaid, but don't have employer insurance--you're basically screwed. I thought working for a locally-owned business was good for America. I thought our capitalist society was supposed to support entrepreneurs. Then to add salt to my wound, NPR's been doing stories on health care in European countries. The one this morning was about France and how great their Maternity Care is. But we don't need healthcare reform do we Senator McCain? No, free market that's what we're all about. I'm actually thinking of drafting a letter to Mr McCain. In it I will talk about how I know the Republican Party is for "family values" and against a woman's right to choose. Then I will tell him that because of their brainless, heartless policy promoting insurance companies and killing the middle class--he's right I don't have a choice. I don't have a choice because I can't actually afford to have this baby. What do you think?

Pavlov

Since I've moved to Flagstaff, I developed a Pavlovian reaction to a once innocuous sound: a helicopter. A whirly-bird in Flagstaff means one of two things: wild fire or a serious medical emergency. As soon as I hear that familiar thump thump I find myself scanning the sky to try to identify the bearer of bad news. Is there a slurry pouch dangling from it? No--it must be a medical helicopter. I wonder what happened. Accident at the Grand Canyon? Serious car wreck? It's strange to me how a helicopter stimulates my fear so much more than a siren. The sound of a helicopter is somewhat sinister. It represents a serious situations. A fire that doesn't threaten structures is generally handled by ground crews. An accident in town is handled by land-based emergency vehicles. A helicopter in Flagstaff is a signal that something is very wrong.

Yesterday, two helicopters collided mid-air less than two miles from my home. Both were emergency medical teams bringing patients to the hospital. All but one of those onboard perished. Details of the accident remain under investigation. A big question on everyone's lips is, "Why didn't they see each other?" I remember when I used to do aerial surveys for eagles and hawks from a small, fixed-wing cessna. On one trip it was just me and the pilot. At one point the pilot pointed off to the left and said, "do you think he sees me?" I looked at the spot to which he pointed. It took a few seconds before I saw it--almost imperceptible--a silver flash. He was still a ways off--but not as far as I would have thought. Trick of the open sky and the position of the planes. It was no big deal, but it definitely made an impression on me. I don't know why these pilots didn't see each other. Maybe there was something distracting them like a mechanical emergency. Maybe each thought the other would move out of the way--sounds stupid, but who knows.

One of the patients was a 26-year old volunteer fire fighter that had been in the Grand Canyon helping to fight a blaze out of control on the north rim. He had a bug bite and was going into anaphylactic shock. They decided to air lift him to Flagstaff airport. Here's a guy that voluntarily risked his life to help fight fires. I wonder how many close calls he'd had fighting fires? I wonder if he knew that what would get him in the end would be an insect bite? It just goes to show you that it could happen any time. Whether you take risks for work or for fun--it may not matter in the end. I guess what I take out of that is that I may as well just take the risks.

Terrorist the new Communist

It seems like nothing will inspire hate in much of conservative America's psyche than to call someone a terrorist. Much like during like the anti-communist era of the 40's and 50's, America is out for blood. Will we have the Cheney trials to correspond with the McCarthy hearings? Not likely, this modern judgment is taking place within the media circus ring.

I'm sure everyone has heard of the Dunkin Donuts -- Rachael Ray incident by now. If you have been hiding under a rock for the last month or so, here's the gist. Rachael Ray, America's sweetheart cooking show hostess, posed for an ad for Dunkin Donuts wearing a scarf loosely draped around her neck. It seems the scarf reminded some conservative whack-jobs of a Muslim kaffiyeh. The kaffiyeh has been around probably since Jesus and is used for sun, wind, and sand protection. In fact the British army will often wear kaffiyeh in desert areas (although they use a different name). Yasser Arafat turned the kaffiyeh into a symbol of Palestinian liberation when he wore it in deliberate contrast to the more urban fez. Black and white keffiyehs are generally used to symbolize the Fatah party. In fact, many Israeli jews sympathetic with the Palestinians used to wear a kaffiyeh as a symbol of solidarity. Here is the picture of Rachael Ray
http://money.cnn.com/2008/05/29/news/companies/dunkin_donuts.ap/index.htm?cnn=yes

I think she's wearing what amounts to a scarf. If she were holding a machine gun in her hand as opposed to a cup of coffee--I could understand the misinterpretation, but as it is I think we're taking symbolism a little too far.

The other recent terrorist symbol involved Barack Obama and his wife Michelle. After sealing his nomination as the Democratic Party candidate, Barack and Michelle had the nerve to show their happiness with a "terrorist fist-jab". This accusation is even more laughable than the first. Terrorist fist jab? Since when did Al Qaeda adopt this modified "high-five" as a symbol of their hatred for Americans? In fact I can only imagine that the "fist-bump" is a fairly American gesture probably started by basketball players or rappers.

Lets face it, we're on the hunt for "terrorists". Since we can't seem to find actual terrorist leaders, I guess we'll just invent them. Will Rachael Ray and Michelle Obama share a cell in Guantanamo?

Every Drop Counts

For the past few weeks, my boyfriend and I have been using a plastic wash tub in the sink to catch the water from dishes or anything else we do in the kitchen sink. The idea is to capture the water to use on our plants. I am using only biodegradable soap so I assume it won't hurt the plants. Its very simple. Instead of letting the water wash down the drain, we catch it in the tub and then empty it when it gets full or when we need to start with clean water. I knew that a lot of water was wasted by the average household--but I must say I have been stunned by the number of times we need to dump the bucket. It really brings home the idea that convenience will be the downfall of our earth. I would love to have the money to spend on a graywater system--but I don't. Nor do we have the time to construct our own. In a way, I think this is better. The bucket cost me about $2--the soap is about $3.50 for a bottle which lasts more than a month. It takes me about a minute and a half to walk out the door and dump the bucket. Every time I do it, I feel good about conserving water. The only down side is that I dump food chunks and all because I figure its good for the plants--but my dog has other ideas. Often I go out to my cherry trees to find that he's eaten away all of the bark mulch because they smelled particularly desirable. Overall I think its a small price to pay.

Globalization

In South Africa, violence has erupted against immigrant workers from Zimbabwe, Malawi, and Mozambique. Villages, homes, and even individuals have been set on fire in protest against a high unemployment rate (23%) and high food costs. During the Apartheid regime, South Africans looked to their neighbors to shelter exiled leaders.

In Italy, Romanian gypsies were attacked after an alleged attempt by a Roma girl to steal a baby. Illegal Romanian immigrants are thought to be the cause of the majority of crime in Italy. During the period from 1920 to 1970, many Italians illegally sought work in neighboring countries of Austria, Belgium, France, West Germany, and Luxembourg.

In the U.S., Mexican migrant workers are being run out of homes and places of employment by unfriendly state and federal laws. The United States was founded by Europeans seeking religious and political freedom and a better way of life.

We've sure come a long way.

Cheese ball

I cried twice yesterday.

The first time was because my dog, Jeckyll is going through this weird thing. He will have sort of spasms of pain and cry and look sad--and then he'll be fine. He's old--like 13 years--and I made myself cry thinking of having to put him to sleep.

The second was when I was listening to NPR. Melissa Block was in China post-earthquake. She lost it at one point watching a mother look for her missing child.

I lost it too. Pretty cheesy. Then I felt guilty for crying about the dog. He's lived a good life--but it still makes me sad. I got the impression the woman's son had not lived long enough to say the same. I don't know them, but it still made me cry.

I tried to think of things that make me laugh.

My other dog, Rizo has a favorite toy. It's a ball with legs. No face, no hat, no funny smile--just a ball with legs. For some reason, it always makes me laugh.

Documentaries about wildlife always make me laugh--especially ones with birds. I guess I think things with 2 legs are funnier than those with 4 legs? I don't know.

Back Scratchin'

It's city election time in Flagstaff, AZ right now. In addition to choosing a new figurehead mayor and several marginally useful council members, the good citizens of Flagstaff are being asked to vote on several propositions concerning our city bus system, Mountain Line Transit. In exchange for more frequent buses, the addition of new routes, and the switch to hybrid buses, Flagstaff voters are being asked to increase sales taxes approximately 12 cents per hundred dollars spent. This is a paltry amount for such a beneficial service, but it got me to thinking.

Folks who can afford to buy certain hybrid vehicles are given a federal and, often, state tax credit to offset the high purchase cost. (Unfortunately, for the most commonly purchased hybrids, the credit has been phased out.) A tax credit is a nice perk for those trying to reduce their carbon footprint. Herein lies the irony. Public transportation is undoubtedly the best way for Americans to reduce carbon emissions. The purchase of a Ford Escape Hybrid will earn the buyer approximately an 11% tax credit on his federal taxes while bus service will cost each tax payer (in Flagstaff) a 12% increase in sales tax plus the cost of actually riding the bus. Shouldn't we be offering some kind of tax credit to those who ride the bus? Wouldn't it be a nice incentive for those who cannot afford the price of a new hybrid? The only conclusion I can possibly jump to after spending no time researching the topic is that the powers that be don't REALLY want to reduce the number of cars on the road. We have to keep the legacy of Henry Ford alive I guess.