Grocery stores vary in where they put pain killers directed at suffering women. Most of them that I've visited place the pain killers conveniently next to the tampons and maxi pads--the FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS. (Which, sadly, are often found right next to the diapers--yes, thank you male-dominated society for reminding me that I may as well wear a diaper as a maxi pad.) I can understand the theory behind locating pain killers with tampons. You generally need one about the time you need the other. Other things to find in this section? Vagisil is generally tucked in --ok it is a feminine hygiene product perhaps--but not necessarily related to the other two. You can also usually find douches--seriously do people still use those? And if its like the store I was in today--you can also find condoms--which depending on the preference of your significant other may or may not make sense (in my opinion, these should be located smack-dab in the middle of the diaper section). I was thinking to myself--they should really put the chocolate in this section. I am much more likely to buy chocolate and midol cramp relief than I am to buy condoms and midol. I often think it's funny to buy things according to these stereotypes--a big bottle of midol, a value pack of tampons, and a 55-gallon drum of chocolate ice cream--oh and a caffeine free diet coke (I feel bloated--do I look fat?). I can just see the knowing look of the check-out girl. Or better yet, add to that a box of condoms and get in the zit-faced teenage boy's checkout line and watch him avoid your gaze! Whichever line you're in--you can guarrantee that you will get a bag--no questions asked (how discrete).
Speaking of discrete, notice how there aren't any speciality boutiques for women in my situation. I mean, they have "mother-to-be" stores, why can't they have stores for women who have elected NOT to be "in a family way". Ok so I have to note my hypocracy here. About two months ago I would have gone on a rant about why should women who get knocked up get special treatment, while women who act responsibily and not over-populate the world get zip. BUT in the past few months many of my friends (even the tree-hugging hippies) have had or will soon have "bundles of joy." Watch out world, liberals have learned how to populate! "Pregnancy, not just for dumb Republicans anymore."
Anyway, back to the topic--I think I'm going to open a speciality store "All things Menstrual." I will carry all manner of speciality feminine napkins (that is such a hilarious term--"oh you have something on your chin, here use my feminine napkin"), drugs, heating pads, bubble bath, massage thingys, sweat pants, stress balls and, of course--chocolate. The store bags will just say "I'm on my period" in big bold letters. Let's NOT be discrete. Maybe I could call it "Freedom to Bleed" and right next door I would have a maternity store called "Freedom to Breed". We'll be in strip malls all across America--right next to the honey baked ham. Maybe men who come into the store will receive honorary Red Wings badges --or am I going to far? That might be considered adult content.
Back to my pain and suffering though. Even though I know I could just go to the regular pain killer aisle and buy advil or aleve, it somehow makes me feel better to get something "made for my situation." Not to mention I like the packaging and the names. My favorite is Pamprin. Where did that name come from? Is it from pamper--like you're pampering yourself by taking this horrible medication--give me a break. Or is it to make you think of Pampers--like "ha ha you're wearing a diaper and you feel like crap--here's some stupid medicine". My guess is the latter. There used to be a limited number of options, now there are shelf-fuls. "Midol for cramps", "Midol for headaches", "Pamprin for bloating and mood swings", and "Tylenol that will knock you out for an entire week while you overload your Kotex with Wings." Ok enough. Lest you think that I'm some feminist that revels in my ability to embrace my "monthly visitor"--forget it. I'm just feeling particularly bitchy right now. I wonder why.
(thanks to the publishers weekly blog for the image)
5 comments:
I think your Bleed/Breed stores would be a huge hit, seriously, you might want to Trademark those phrases. Just wanted to give you a shoutout on what I thought was a very well written stream-of-consciousness rant on the supermarket placement of items. I could see Wanda Sykes or someone buying that for stand-up material.
How funny- I was talking to the girls on my crew today about the quickest way to gross the guys out- talking about MENSTRUATION! Furthermore- menstruation and pooping... Sorry- that might be too far?
Oh well-- I enjoyed the post and couldn't agree more.
One last tidbid to add- changing tampons in the field... and in the field with 4 feet of snow!?
You are sick. Why do you have to write about gross things? If you weren't evil, you wouldn't bleed.
Furthermore, why can’t you be more like that African girl on TV who stays home from school and hides her shame when it is her filthy, disgusting time of the month. You don’t hear her complaining that she can’t go swimming or ride a bike or go canoeing (or is that herpes?). Anyway, you get the idea.
"If you weren't evil, you wouldn't bleed."
Amen, Brother. Amen.
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